


Falling in a Forest

by alexme7_7



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, future possibility for soft friendship, sad boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-09-26 09:51:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9884561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexme7_7/pseuds/alexme7_7
Summary: On a walk through the forest, Connor is interrupted by a fallen Evan. From that moment on, they seem inexplicably tied to each other.





	1. Chapter 1

Everything did look nicer from up there. All he could see were the trees and sky. Sky that seemed to go on for forever. It was beautiful. The view didn’t change anything, though. The darkness inside of him always outweighed the good he tried to see, it always would. No change of view could fix that.

//  
He walked through the forest slowly, fingers lingering on tree trunks he passed. He was in no rush. The warm summer air made him feel calm, almost. Almost. He took the waning joint from his lips and stamped it out with his thumb on of the tree trunks. He hefted the bag he brought with him higher on his shoulder, and pressed on deeper into the woods.

//

Suddenly, everything was rushing past him, branches flicked at his face and body. Seized with a deep panic, excitement, and regret at all once, he shut his eyes.

//

A loud crash startled him out of his own mind. A thump a second later has him off the ground and shoving the pill bottle back into his bag. With a muffled swear, he cautiously walks toward the source of the sound. 

//

With a groan, Evan’s eyes fluttered open. Spinning green and blue filled his vision. Where was he again? Laying on the ground… in a forest? He blinked slowly again. When his eyes reopened, a figure blocked his view, standing over him, blocking out the sun’s glare.  
Confused, Evan attempted to push himself back and his vision immediately whited out. With a gasp, he pulls his arm to his chest.  
“Shit,” he panted, dizziness almost overtaking him. His arm throbbed violently.  
The figure cleared their throat.  
“What the fuck happened to you?”  
Evan winced before opening his eyes again.  
“Shit,” he repeated, looking up at the tree he just fell from.  
The stranger is still standing in front of him when he propped himself up with his good arm.  
“Connor?”  
“Sunshine,” Connor said, an unlit joint dangling from his lips, “you’re too old to be climbing trees.”  
Evan shook his head, regretting the action immediately. With a sigh, Connor leaned up against a tree and lit the joint.  
“What are you doing here?” Evan asked.  
The question made Connor freeze for a moment, then he took a drag.  
“Getting high as fuck and disappointing my parents, Hansen,” He looked at Evan for a moment, almost assessing him, “I think your arm is broken. That fucking sucks.”  
Connor grabbed a bag from off the ground beside him and started to walk away.  
“Wait!” Evan cried.  
Connor didn’t turn, but called over his shoulder, “Someone will come to get you eventually, Sunshine,.” and disappeared into the woods, leaving Evan cradling his arm, waiting.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty big time jump in between the last chapter and this one. This one takes place right after Connor takes Evan's letter.

 Against his better judgement, he told Dr. Sherman everything. Well, not everything. Just what had happened today at school. It’s just, once he started, he couldn’t stop. The words raced from his mouth as he stared down at the carpet, shoulders hunched, playing with the edge of his cast.

He wanted today to be different, to be able to tell his mom the truth, but he wasn’t surprised at the outcome. Connor Murphy stole his letter, and now who knew what he was going to do with it.

Dr. Sherman was silent for a moment after he finished his story. His own breath was heavy inside his head, but everything numbed when his therapist told him what he should do. 

//

            _Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._

He felt nauseous reading the words on Evan Hansen’s weird letter. Something tugged inside of him, but he pushed it down. He lay on his bed, holding the paper above him, one foot still on the ground. He had overreacted, he knew that. But it had happened before; kids doing weird shit just to see the crazy kid freak out, like he was some kind of fucking sideshow. He fucked up. He couldn’t change anything now. His eyes drifted to settle on his bag. He pursed his lips and threw the letter to the side. He had never taken the pills out…

//

Just explain the letter. Simple. It should be simple. Just explain himself. To the scariest person at school. Connor Murphy. Who was known for his abrupt bursts of anger. He had been expelled once for punching a guy in the face. He tried to set a football player’s jacket on fire once. While the guy was still wearing it.

For the third time, Evan changed direction, walking away from the Murphy’s street. He could live with the consequences of the letter. He could explain it when and if Connor ever did anything with it.

But that would probably involve Zoe. He couldn’t face Zoe. Not if she had seen that letter. He felt nauseous at the thought. He picked his cast as cars rushed by him on the street. He could see from the end of the street that Zoe’s car wasn’t in the driveway. At least there was that. At least he wouldn’t have to come face to face with her and explain why he was at her house.

He had to do this. He just needed to explain himself and maybe everything would be fine. He had to try.

//      

Connor could hear his mom moving around the house below him. She would probably be gone soon. Pottery classes… or maybe it was archery this month? Whatever. He’d be alone soon.

He pulled the bag off the floor and on to his lap. The full, bright orange bottle was right there. Nestled in between a notebook and his unfinished copy of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. Without a pause, he grabbed for the bottle and threw the bag down, laying back on his bed.

//

Doorbell? Or knock? Both? He didn’t want to disturb anyone. His hands twitched at his side as he shifted in front of the Murphy’s front door. There was a car in the driveway. He didn’t recognize it. It wasn’t Zoe’s and he was pretty sure Connor didn’t have a car. He shouldn’t have come. Connor probably wasn’t even home. He wouldn’t want to see Evan even if he was home. Stupid. His breath caught in his throat and he turned on his heel, away from the door.

“Excuse me?”

Evan whipped back around to see Connor’s mother standing in the doorway, keys in hand and a yoga mat strapped to her back.  

“Sorry, I was just leaving and- “

“Why didn’t you knock, sweetie?”

“Well, I just came by to see, uh, to see Connor… “

Mrs. Murphy’s face lit up, “I believe Connor’s up in his room,” she said, stepping towards Evan and leaving the door open behind her.

“Well I don’t want to bother him, so I think I’ll just um- “

“Nonsense! I had no idea Connor had…” She trailed off, looking at her watch. “Connor’s never mentioned you.”

“Oh, well- “

“Listen, sweetie, I don’t want to be late for class, but you just go on upstairs, okay?” Mrs. Murphy beamed at him as she walked passed him, towards her car.

Evan could only stand on the steps, fiddling with his cast, as she got in the car and backed out of the drive way. He watched as she drove to the end of street and turned the corner. 

The front door was still open. He could always just shut it and leave? But what if Connor’s mother asked Connor about him later? Then Connor will know he was there. And then what would Connor do? What would Zoe think? He grabbed for his phone and checked it. No notifications. He rubbed it against his leg, looking from the door to the street and back again. The doorway stood open, gaping, almost beckoning.

Evan bit his lip, shoved his phone into his pocket, and entered the house, shutting the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments or hit me up on my tumblr at slaygoldponyboy.  
> <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan attempts to explain, interrupting Connor in the process

The house was empty when Evan entered, quietly closing the door behind him. Mrs. Murphy had been nice to him, so Connor probably hadn’t done anything with the letter yet. So that was a good sign, right? The house looked even bigger on the inside. High ceilings, a large staircase to his right. The living room in front of him looked like it belonged in a magazine.

Evan shifted from foot to foot, lost. There were no signs as to where Connor’s room would be. Mrs. Murphy probably assumed he knew where Connor’s room was. Or maybe this was some sort of set up? He could feel his heart beating, his hands were getting sweaty as he clenched and unclenched them. Maybe Connor had already shown all the Murphy’s and Evan is being led into some trap?

Evan steadied himself, clamping his eyes shut. He was being ridiculous, he knew that, but he still couldn’t shake the fear. Connor’s mom had said “up in his room”. He had to be upstairs. Evan braced himself and slowly climbed the staircase.                                                                                 

//

Connor held on to the pill bottle with both hands, willing it to disappear. The bright orange bottle, with its white lid and a stranger’s name on the label. He felt eerily calm, but some part of him was screaming to let go of the bottle. He bolted upright and his eyes immediately landed on Evan’s letter, sitting on the ground.

_I mean, face it, would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

Connor chuckled, running over the line in his head again. _How fitting,_ he thought, rolling the pill bottle between his two hands.

He stared down at the bottle, biting his lip, before gently opening it.

 //

 Evan stood on the second floor, facing down the corridor. He absently scratched at his cast as he took in the hallway; six doors, all of them identical and closed.

He couldn’t just open all the doors, could he? What if he intruded, or broke something, or what if he accidentally opened the door to Zoe’s room and then someone came home at that exact moment and then thought he was stalking Zoe? And then told Zoe? And Zoe thought he was a creep and told everyone else at school?

He put an arm out to steady himself against the wall, taking a few deep breaths. Connor was in one of those rooms. A thought that didn’t exactly fill him with confidence, but he had a reason to be there, he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Well, aside from writing that stupid letter and then letting Connor Murphy find it. But it was okay because it was misinterpreted. Totally not his fault. And now he was going to explain everything to Connor and then everything would be okay.

Evan took a small step forward, focusing on his breathing. He froze. He swore he just heard someone laugh. It must have been Connor. It came from the second door on the right, he could swear it.

He bit down on his lip, weighing his options quickly. Then, before he could talk himself out of it he stepped toward the door and knocked quietly.

//

A loud curse was startled from Connor’s lips at the sound of a knock on his door. His whole body twitched, sending the pills in the open bottle scattering on to the floor.

“Shit,” he cursed again, quieter this time. He looked toward the door, hoping he maybe just imagined it. There was no second knock. Not his mom, then. He waited a moment. No one came storming in. Not his father, then. Cautiously, he walked toward the door. Nothing but silence behind it. Steeling himself, he grabbed the door handle and threw the door open.

“What the hell-” Connor yelled at the figure in front of him. He stopped shot out of shock. In front of him stood a fidgeting Evan Hansen.

“What the fuck?” He tried again, baking away from the door slightly.

Evan just pulled at the hem of his shirt, looking at his feet.

“What are you doing here?” Connor spat.

“Well, uh, I-”

“I asked you a fucking question. What are you doing in my house? Who let you in?”

 _Why can’t I get away from you? Why do you always mess this up for me?_ Connor seethed internally, gripping the pill bottle tightly at his side

“Your mom let me in, I thinks she thinks I’m your friend, or something,” Evan took a deep breath, still looking the ground, “I just came to explain myself, or, er, the letter that you found. Today in the computer lab. The one that I wrote. With all the stuff about Zoe. I didn’t want to come, but my therapist said that I should explain myself. Explain the letter to you. So here I am.”

Connor stared at Evan, his eyes narrowed at the sweating boy. Neither spoke for a moment. Evan’s breathing was coming out in soft gasps as he struggled with what to say next.

“I didn’t write that letter for you to find, I wrote it for therapy I swear. Which sounds stupid, I know, but I had to do it.  I didn’t even really think of what I was writing I just wrote whatever I thought just so I would have something to show Dr. Sherman that I was trying, I guess?” Evan winced, bracing himself for Connor’s response. None came. Hesitantly, he looked up.

“Okay,” Connor bit out, emotion absent from his face.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, it’s whatever. It’s fine. Just get the fuck out and no one will ever read your stupid fucking letter.”

Evan let out a shaky breath, and opened his mouth to say something. Before he could, he noticed something. Pills scattered on Connor’s floor.

“Um, what are those?” He asked quietly, pointing behind Connor.

Connor’s eyes went wide, he stilled like a deer caught in headlights. His head whipped around to confirm what Evan was looking at, then back to Evan, hair falling into his face.

“I just dropped some aspirin when you banged on my door.”

“Then why is there a prescription bottle in your hand?”

“None of your goddamn business.”

Before Connor could slam the door in his face, Evan impulsively took a step forward, Connor took a step back.

“I know it’s not my business but- “

“Get the fuck out,” Connor breathed, dangerously quiet.

“Connor- “ 

“Get the fuck out of my room!” Connor lunged forward, forcing Evan instinctively back, out of his room. Connor shoved the door close behind him, falling against it the moment it slammed shut.

His heart was racing, his mind whirling. Empty pill bottle still in hand, he slid down the door.

// 

Evan stumbled back, and before he could make a move forward, the door was slammed in his face. He stood, pulling at his shirt hem, frozen in shock.

Was Connor…? He could just be paranoid. But the moment he saw the pills on the floor, he felt a jolt inside of him. Something itched at him. Suddenly, the look in Connor’s eyes was almost …familiar to Evan.

His eyes flitted to the staircase, for a moment he reasoned with himself. Connor had asked him to leave. He should listen to him. He seemed upset. He was probably telling the truth about it being aspirin, and Evan was just being paranoid and weird. No one would know what had happened between the two. Connor would probably be fine. He had all but physically pushed Evan away. He could leave now. He should just leave now.

His heart jolted, he almost felt nauseous for thinking those thoughts. He bit his lip as he looked to the door between himself and Connor. He felt for the phone in his pocket, weighing his options. His hand moved away from the phone to scratch at his cast. Letting out a long breath, going against what his anxiety was begging him to do, he walked over to the door and knocked quietly.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!! I think I'm slowly getting the hang of formatting and whatnot on this site.  
> Review or hit me up on tumblr at slaygoldponyboy if you have comments, questions concerns.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for thoughts of self-harm and inadequate handling of a situation.

Connor’s breath came out in gasps, eyes watering.

_Holy shit._

He bit down on his hand, air wheezing through his nose. His head hurt.

_Why did you do that? You just pushed him away for the second time now. You’re such a fucking idiot._

Connor ran both of his hands through his hair, attempting to take quieter breaths as he pushed up harder against the door behind him.

_Fuck._

Tears streamed down his face, but Connor was silent, taking deep breaths.

He surveyed his room. The books stacked under his bed. The posters covering up the holes he had punched into the walls that his parents didn’t know about. The stupid high jump trophy he won in middle school, nestled in between a box and an old wrestling figurine. He carefully avoided the scattered pills on the ground as his eyes wandered.

He felt out of place in his own bedroom.

Connor wiped his face with his sleeve.

His attention fell back on the box next to the figurine.

He scrambled to his feet and grabbed the box desperately, pushing off the top as he fell back down to the ground. Carefully, he lifted the false bottom.

_It’s still there._

He smirked.

_A backup plan._

Connor was startled out of his focus on the glimmer of hope when a tentative knock came from his door.

//

“Um, Connor?” Evan drew in a breath, “if you don’t answer I-I’m going to just come in.”

Nothing.

Evan didn’t want to go in. He didn’t even want to be there. He didn’t even particularly care about Connor Murphy, if he was being honest. But there he was, standing in front of his door, all but begging to be let inside. He knew he couldn’t leave.

Bracing himself for the worst, he slowly turned the doorknob. His hands shook as he pushed the door in, letting himself back in to Connor’s bedroom.

Connor sat pressed up against a shelf on the opposite side of the room, his eyes wide.

The two boys could do nothing but look at each other for a moment, reading each other. Evan’s hand still on the doorknob. Connor’s in a box.

Evan stared down at Connor from across the room. His mouth opened and closed as his mind scrambled for something to say. Something that wouldn’t get him kicked out. Again.

Connor’s glassy eyes stared back. Red-rimmed and challenging.

Slowly, without taking his eyes off Connor, Evan shut the door and shuffled closer to the boy on the ground. Connor didn’t move, only his eyes tracking Evan’s movements. Evan stepped up beside Connor and carefully lowered himself down.

“I told you to get out,” Connor said lowly.

“You’re going to have to make me,” Evan responded, matching Connor’s tone. He wrapped his good arm around his knees at his chest. From his place next to Connor, he could see that the boy’s hand was ghosting over a razor. His heart jumped at the sight of the small object.

“Connor…”

A moment of silence ran between the two. Finally, Connor let out a small breath, his body loosening slightly.

Connor seemed tired, more than anything else. Legs out in front of him, leaning back against the shelf. His stare was focused, and Evan followed it to his cast. Remembering himself, he pulled the cast closer to his body, making Connor huff and turn away.

“Me signing your cast doesn’t make us friends.”

“What?”

“We’re not friends, Evan,” Connor said more forcefully, bringing his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, unconsciously mimicking Evan’s pose.

“O-okay,” Evan replied, nodding for good measure, “I mean, I know.”

“Good,” Connor muttered, resting his chin on his knees.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but- “

“You’re right, I don’t. So fuck off.”

“Okay…”

The room fell silent again and Evan shifted uncomfortably. Connor’s room was a stark contrast to what Evan assumed the rest of the house looked like. The only light came from a window half covered by blinds. The light shone in, highlighting crumpled pieces of paper scattered across the floor, an overflowing garbage can, and books stacked randomly around the room. There were posters across the walls of bands and BMX riders Evan had never heard of.  A long, purple stuffed snake draped itself out of Connor’s closet and Evan muffled a laugh.

“You can go. You don’t need to stay.”

“I-I don’t think that’s really the best-” Evan started hesitantly.

“What? Are you afraid they’ll blame you?” Connor sneered, unfolding himself, “Because, trust me, no one would be surprised if they found me dead, Evan. They know me. How fucked up and broken I am. They might even be _happy._ ”

“I-I just- “

“Just what?”

“I just don’t want you to do something you’re going to regret!”

“How the hell do you know how I feel, huh? What makes you the expert on this all of a sudden?” Connor’s voice grew, and he pulled himself up to stand.

Evan froze, his mind stuttering.

“Because I… I just… you…”

“You _what_?”

“I know… I mean … not exactly,” Evan stuttered out, climbing to his feet, “But- “

“Bullshit, Hansen! Don’t talk to me like you know how I feel! No one would even fucking care if I just disappeared tomorrow!”

Connor froze, realising what he just said. Repeated, technically. He stumbled back slightly. He could hear Evan’s breath coming in gasps as the boy bent over to put his hands on his knees, struggling.

“Shit.”

“It’s fine,” Evan choked out, “I-I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s fine.”

Connor reached out a hand, unsure of what exactly he was supposed to do with it, but feeling helpless in that moment.

Before he could decide what do to, Evan pulled himself back up. His face was red and wet. He sniffled, pulling at his shirt, staring intently at the ground.

He turned to Connor, never looking up, scratching at his cast.

“I’m going to see you at school tomorrow,” He mumbled, sounding adamant.

Connor didn’t reply, only watched as Evan made his way to the door, his shoulders hunched. Evan reached for the doorknob, then paused a moment. His back to Connor, he reached down and picked up the stolen note. Then a pen from Connor’s side table. Using the door as a writing surface, he scribbled something on it, before placing both back onto the table. He turned slightly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said quietly.

Connor stood in place as Evan left, leaving the door open behind him. He clenched and unclenched his teeth, listening to Evan make his way down the stairs and out the front door.

When he knew he was alone, Connor yelled out. Kicking the box at his feet across his room, the razor flying out of it, skittering into the hallway. Breathing heavily, he walked toward the blade. The paper on his table caught his eye before he could reach it.

_555-710-2015_

_evan.g.hansen@gmail.com_

Connor paused for a second, letting it sink it, before continuing towards the razor. Gently, he picked it up. He held it close to his face for a moment, looking at its dull shine. Sighing, he walked back into his room, retrieved the box, and slipped it back in beneath the false bottom. He sat it down in the corner of his room, behind his bedroom door, and carefully walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say if you ever find yourself in this situation, you should call 911 or at the very least tell some one else. No matter what the person says. Evan did not handle the situation correctly.  
> If you are having thoughts of suicide, I encourage you to seek help, whether it be from a friend or family member, a councillor or teacher, or even a hotline that is trained to work with people in these kind of situations.  
> You are not alone, I promise you. <3 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you leave a comment or come visit me on tumblr at slaygoldponyboy. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan makes it home on autopilot, barely holding it together.

Evan didn’t know how he got home that day.

He remembered leaving Connor’s room and making his way down the Murphy’s stairs. Everything after that was blurry. His head was spinning as he desperately fought back the full-blown panic attack that was currently threatening to overtake him. His body had shifted into autopilot. Knowing he would be alone in his house was simultaneously comforting and horrifying. But it was probably the only thing pushing him the six blocks back to his house.

He came back to himself as he fumbled for the keys in his backpack to unlock the front door. His breathing was still harsh, now with the added bonus of a headache. He didn’t want to look at a pill bottle right now.

Connor Murphy was going to kill himself. He almost did.

_He still might._

That thought startled Evan, a sob escaping his lips as he stumbled into his living room on to the couch. It had been so long since he had let himself cry, so long pushing it away, pushing thoughts of _that day_ away, that one sob broke the dam.

It was all too much. Too much at once. He hadn’t been expecting to see the Connor Murphy he was met with. He had never imagined. And now Connor knew. He could tell everyone. He would tell everyone.

Evan pressed his face into a couch throw pillow as his sobs became louder.

He hadn’t stayed to see what Connor would do. He could be dead at this moment. It would be all Evan’s fault. Everyone would know. Connor was dead.

His breath escaped him for a moment. He couldn’t inhale at all.

He sat back up and the dizziness hit him all at once. He can feel his body falling backwards on to the couch, he can’t do anything to stop it, and his head hit the armrest.

He’s dimly aware of a ringing is his ears under the wave of gasps that overtake his body.

His vision dimmed and he squeezed his eyes shut, desperately cloying for his phone. As his hand found purchase, he felt it buzz.

_No._

He scrambled for it, now for a different reason. He pulled it from his pocket and shoved it on the ground.

He couldn’t talk right now. Jared, or his mom, or his dad, or whoever. He couldn’t talk. He couldn’t breathe. Everything felt so far away and his stomach rocked.

His eyes squeezed tighter.

He held his breath. He can’t hold it. His chest hurt.

He rolled to one side, moving his body with shaking arms.

He breathed in. Everything shook. He breathed out. Nothing was better.

_In._

Evan thought of Connor.

_Out._

He thought of Connor, dead.

His breath picked up again. He pushed his face into the couch. Everything began to fade. He let it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!  
> Hope you guys enjoyed this short chapter, it just felt natural to cut it off there for now.  
> As always, comments are greatly appreciated and if you want to hit me up on tumblr @ slaygoldponyboy with comments, questions, concerns, that would be cool too.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has taken a bit of a turn from what I originally intended, but I feel like it's necessary and much needed.

The next thing Evan knew, he was being gently shaken awake. 

He sat up quickly, unsure of his surroundings. His head spun slightly, and he threw out an arm for balance. The concerned face of his mother filled his vision in the dimly lit room. He was still on the couch. The sun had since set. His breathing was back to normal, mostly. His attention tuned back to his mother who was sitting on the edge of the couch beside him, waiting for a response to a question he didn’t hear.

“When did you get home?” Evan asked, his voice rough.

“Just now, sweetie,” his mom rubbed his arm and felt his forehead, “how long have you been laying here? Your shoes are still on.”

Evan glanced down at his feet to confirm before looking back up at her, searching his scattered mind for a response. The events of the day came flashing back to him, making him flinch away from his mother. She drew her hand back, startled, but didn’t move away. 

“Oh, Evan…”

He pressed his hands to his eyes, his headache returning in full force. He couldn’t tell his mom about Connor. He couldn’t tell anyone about Connor. What would he even say?

“It was just… not a great day, mom,” Evan pushed out weakly, fully aware that it contradicted what he had told his mother earlier that day.  

“I can tell, your eyes are red, sweetheart,” She ran a hand through his hair and startled Evan out of his head when she made a noise of surprise, “Someone signed your cast, though!" 

Right. He would have to say something about Connor. But what if Connor was dead and then people saw his cast and started asking questions and then maybe the police would get involved and maybe Zoe would think he had something to do with it and-

‘Just some kid in my class, mom,” Evan cut himself off, pushing down the fear for a moment, but feeling his stomach roll.

“Well at least something good happened today! I’d love to meet him sometime,” Heidi smiled and Evan tried to smile back,  “You probably haven’t eaten anything." 

Before Evan could even lie about not being hungry, his mother moved into the kitchen.

He was still frozen in place, upright on the couch. He wasn’t even sure what time it was. He patted down his pockets for his phone until he saw it lying on the floor.

“Is soup okay, honey?”

“Yeah, mom,” Evan replied absently, picking up his phone.

He had three unread messages, a shock in itself. Even stranger, however, was that they were from a number not saved in his contacts. He unlocked his phone and opened the messages.

_555-420-7648_

_5:29_

**hey**

_555-420-7648_

_5:30_

**this is connor**

_555-420-7648_

5:57 

**itd be awkward if you gave me a fake number but if this is you im not going to be at school tomorrow but dont freak out or come to my house im not dead**

Evan blew out a shaky breath, reading and rereading the messages. The messages were sent over three hours ago, but Connor wasn’t dead and that was something, right? But how could he even trust the messages? He didn’t even know Connor.

Evan could feel a tremor run through his body, he couldn’t take his eyes off the messages. Slowly, hindered by his cast, he typed out a message.

**Glad you aren’t dead. Could you maybe come over tomorrow after school? If you’re not busy.**

And then a few seconds later,

**If you don’t mind.**

**No pressure or anything.**

**Here’s my address, you can just stop by whenever. Or not. We need to talk.**

**No pressure.**

Evan sent one final text with his address and hurriedly slid his phone back into his pocket, scared of getting a response, even more afraid of not getting one.

His hands shook as he tried to control his breath. He couldn’t handle this. Not now. Tears pricked at his eyes as his breathing became more laboured. Connor could have died. He could be dead right now, it had been over three hours. God.

“-van?” His mom was crouched next to him now, hands hovering but not touching him, worry and confusion etched in her face.

It took one look at her to break him, letting her take him into her arms like he was a kid again. He let his tears stain his mother’s shirt, clinging to her as he gasped and sobbed. And she let him. He didn’t know why that surprised him so much. She was his mother. She always told him she would be there for him. But with classes and work and extra shifts he just felt so separated from her recently. But she was here now. And Evan cried more because of that.

Time passed, the microwave had long since finished, and neither of them spoke. They just sat on that couch, closer than they had been in a long time. She was silent, but her arms around him were tight and reassuring.

After who knows how long, Evan made himself pull away. His eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot overtop of the dark circles that had plagued him for too long, his face was still slightly wet from the tears, his nose dripping slightly. He could see his mother’s heartbreak as she took in her mess of a son.

Tentatively, she reached out to put a hand to Evan’s face, wiping at some of the tears and then moving to the side of his face, stroking his cheek gently with her thumb, and Evan leaned into the warm touch. But Evan’s focus shifted to his lap, where he began picking at his cast. He had something to say, but his anxiety had frayed the rope dangerously today.

“What’s on your mind, sweetheart?” Heidi whispered, rubbing his arm gently. She could tell something was wrong, Evan knew that. She wouldn’t let it go either, not after he broke down like that.

“I-” Evan looked up, and paused, quickly looking away, “You’ll hate me.”

“Oh, Evan, I could never. I’m your mother.”

“You will.” Evan insisted, fresh tears coming to his eyes. He moved himself over on the couch slightly, further away from his mom.

“Please, honey,” She sounded on the verge of tears herself. He was doing that to her, he was making her cry. He needed to do something. He needed to say something.

“I didn’t-” Evan’s voice cracked and he wrapped his arms around himself, huffing at his own inability to get what he needed to say out, “I didn’t fall.”

Heidi’s head cocked to the side, frowning slightly. Evan could feel tears fall down his face again.

“At the park. This summer. I didn’t fall. Out of the tree. I-” Evan choked slightly, “I let go, mom.”

A small gasp escaped his mother’s lips, making Evan flinch. He felt like he had just stabbed his own mother. He couldn’t let himself look at her. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything. She hated him. He was just causing more trouble. There would be more appointments and medication and bills and- 

Heidi enveloped him in a hug, cutting off his trail of thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” Evan muttered into her neck, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m- “

Heidi pushed her son back gently, her arms firmly on his shoulders, tears falling freely now.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, Evan,” Heidi smoothed her son’s hair down and gave him a small, shaky smile, “I love you and we will deal like this. Like we have everything before this. It’s going to be alright, honey,”

Before she could say anything else, Evan fell back into her, crying once more. But this time the tears were of happiness and relief. His mom rubbed his back and whispered to him, and he clung and cried. And in that moment nothing was okay, but for the first time in a long time, Evan felt like he could breathe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked. Sorry for being away for a bit. Please tell me what you thought in comments or through my tumblr at slaygoldponyboy. <3

**Author's Note:**

> So I sort of want this to be a collection of interactions between Connor and Evan, in an AU where Connor doesn't die, and they eventually become friends? But this is all I have for now.  
> This is the first fan work I'm writing in a good while, so feel free to critique.  
> Let me know how you feel in the comments, or come visit me on my tumblr slaygoldponyboy


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